My break-up with Alcohol: Finding my way back home

The party girl

Growing up, I always struggled with anxiety and self-esteem issues. Socializing was hard for me because I felt out of place.  I vividly remember the first time I drank. I suddenly felt so free.  I was lifted from the anxiety that kept me from being present when I was around people.  I had fun, I was able to relax, and I could let loose. For most of my twenties, I was a heavy drinker and very proudly wore the badge of “party girl.” As I started to close in on my thirties, my life shifted in some fundamental ways. I was no longer surrounding myself with good, supportive people. My problems, along with my alcohol consumption, began to escalate. 

During my freshman year of college, I was sexually assaulted one night while I was out partying. The trauma of that experience did nothing but increase my need to numb my pain and hide from my problems. College and my twenties came to an end, but unfortunately, my drinking did not. As you may expect, my life continued to spiral out of control. 

Wandering, Homeless

As my drinking increased, some of my better judgments decreased. I found myself in an abusive relationship, homeless, living in my car, spending alternate nights in Walmart and Bass Pro Shop parking lots, showering in a homeless day shelter, and living off food from local food pantries. During this period, I also lived in St. Louis, Los Angeles, Chicago, and then Oklahoma City.  My then-boyfriend and I would live in a city until we had burned every friendship bridge and had no option but to find another place to move.  During our relationship, that same boyfriend physically assaulted me, was eventually arrested, and then later deported. As an undocumented immigrant, he was forced to leave the United States after his arrest. Unfortunately, as is often the case in abusive relationships, I attempted to salvage this broken relationship. After finding myself pregnant, sick from heavy alcohol consumption, and desperate for a ‘fresh start’, I followed him to Mexico. I was convinced I would be able to stay sober – THIS TIME.

Unfortunately, this time was not my time. After about 4 months of living in Oxaca, Puerto Escondido, and Mexico City, I found myself back in Los Angeles at UCLA Medical Center. Determined to finally leave this toxic relationship, I had returned to California, but the drinking started immediately. A binge landed me in the hospital, but thankfully I woke up with my mom at my side.

Making my way back home to St. Louis

I’m grateful to say I survived and made it back to St. Louis. I stopped drinking for a few months, believing my problem was cured. But here I was again, deciding to ‘try’drinking once more – positive I would handle it differently THIS time. But this time was just like last time… and the time before that. Too much drinking… and a life out of control.

At the age of thirty, I became a frequent flyer in the emergency room at my local hospital.  I showed up for alcohol withdrawals, for a 72-hour hold, and everything else that brings an alcoholic to the hospital time and time again.  It was always related to my drinking. On one occasion, in fact the last time I visited the emergency room as a patient, the doctor looked at me and said, ‘I will not give you medication the next time you come in here.”  I remember him walking out of the room and I began crying uncontrollably. The nurse walked in after him and I begged her to understand, “I do not want this medicine.  I do not want to come back. I want to stop drinking but I just don’t know how.”  The nurse explained that she had a friend who used to be “crazy” but wasn’t anymore. (To those who are not alcoholics – those of us who struggle this way can seem ‘crazy’) The nurse didn’t have to explain the meaning of “crazy”: I knew what she meant.  She meant my crazy – the crazy where I so badly want to stop drinking, but at the same time all I want to do is drink and I can’t imagine a life without it.  I asked for her number.

The crazy friend and a glimmer of hope

 That phone call was the beginning of a change in me. That crazy friend said she was an alcoholic.  She had gone to treatment and been sober for a couple of years.  I could not believe someone who drank as I did had been sober that long.  She invited me to an AA meeting.  I went to that meeting and left there feeling so good knowing I was on the path of recovery. In fact, I decided to buy ONLY a pint of vodka on my way home that night.  Within a week, my first sponsor got me a bed at a residential treatment facility that she had attended.  

The Path of Recovery

Recovery hasn’t been a straight line for me. It rarely is for most people. I’ve tried to quit and failed. I’ve had to learn to ask for help. Sometimes I have accepted the help. Other times I have had to learn the hard way after first trying my way–the hard way– and failing.  I’ve attended many support group meetings and have met amazing people who have impacted me in the most extraordinary ways. Thankfully my recovery journey continues on a path of positive change. 

I’m happy to say that February 16th, 2022 marks 6 years of sobriety for me. 

New Beginnings

Being in recovery has changed my life completely.  During my first year of recovery, I went back to school, first obtaining my second Bachelor’s Degree and later earning my Master’s Degree in Social Work. As a licensed social worker I have the opportunity to help people who are struggling as I once was. I am able to share my story, listen to their story, provide valuable resources, and assist with placement in substance use and mental health rehabilitation.

My Advice to Heathcare Providers

If you are a healthcare provider, I know it can feel like your office or emergency room is a rotating door with the same people shuffling in and out. You know–that crazy patient who so often seems unwilling to take any of your advice.

 And yes, that advice can SEEM so simple to you, but for those of us who are sick in this way, it is anything BUT simple. You may wonder if you are wasting your time talking to us about our addiction because it seems like a lost cause. I want to assure you…we need you. You never know when you are going to be the person who gives someone like me a little bit of hope.  You never know when you will be the voice of reason for someone and change the entire trajectory of their life.  Without that nurse offering me the lifeline of someone who could understand me, I wouldn’t be here now. I encourage you today to take time with those patients who are struggling with addiction. Listen to them without judgment. Hear their story. Don’t jump to conclusions. And most of all, even if you are tired of seeing them over and over again, offer them the same hope and opportunity that someone once provided me.