Are you having trouble finding “your why?”
Do you find yourself having trouble finding the passion that you once had?
I sometimes need to remind myself of how Toxic Shock Syndrome helped me discover “my why.”
The picture above is a photo of me and my twin brother, Matthew. We spent most of our childhood dressed up in “twin clothes” so I have a hard time telling us apart in most of the pictures I have.
As the youngest of 6, I lived a pretty simple life in small town Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I enjoyed riding my big wheel down the sidewalk, playing in the sandbox, swimming at the local park, climbing trees, and crashing matchbox cars with my brothers.
I was a happy kid. I worked hard in school, learned to say “please and thank you,” and I was not afraid of hard work. I enjoyed fishing with my dad and brothers whenever we were able. Saturday mornings always involved getting up early and spending the morning going to garage sales to find the newest toy or collectable item. We shopped garage sales until my belly gurgled–begging for some lunch. Life was pretty normal.
This was until August 1983 when my life was changed forever.
August 29th actually was a very happy day. I was swinging gleefully on the school monkey bars, probably trying to show off in front of some girls, although I’ve never admitted that until now. I wanted to break the world record in number of times somebody could go back and forth on those hot, metal monkey bars. That day I even surprised myself! Unfortunately all of my crazed swinging resulted in very large, painful blisters on both of my hands. Not just regular blisters, but what I recall were blisters which filled my entire palms. There were large bulges in both palms. As the day went on, I noted worsening pain and aching in my palms. My parents treated these symptomatically with ice packs. The medical consensus at that time were to leave the blisters alone rather than try to drain them due to concern that draining them could lead to an infection.
Due to ongoing pain, and the size of the blisters, my parents brought me to the pediatrician. That day I had also developed a sore throat and my parents were unsure if this was related. I was seen by my regular pediatrician, a bland man without much personality, who performed a simple examination and diagnosed me with strep throat. I was started on oral antibiotics and my parents were told to return if anything worsened.
Unfortunately my symptoms worsened significantly. I became severely weak. I was so weak, in fact, that I had to be carried back to the doctor’s office. This time I was seen by a different pediatrician because my parents wanted a second opinion. This very studious appearing physician, Dr. Scott Nau, was not one to smile a lot–it seemed that he took his job very seriously–but he immediately recognized that something was very seriously wrong with me. I could tell, even at my age, that based on the look in his eyes, something was very wrong with me.
I was immediately admitted to the intensive care unit at the hospital and Dr. Nau gave my parents some very difficult news. “Your son has Toxic Shock Syndrome, probably from the infected blisters. He may have only 24 hours to live.” He later reported that he knew of no other prior males in Iowa who ever had a confirmed case of TSS infection.
The following days were a blur to me. I developed a deeply painful, beefy red rash to most of my body. My skin began to peel, especially the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet. I recall at least 3-4 layers of skin that seemed to keep peeling off. I lost so much skin that even walking was extremely painful, bringing me to tears. I worried that if I lost one more layer then there would be no more skin on my body. My entire body became puffy. I lost my appetite. Dr. Nau told my parents that my kidneys were failing and my body was shutting down. I had never been so sick in my entire life. I was getting blood work so frequently that the puncture sites were painful and I cried every time I had to get my blood drawn. I remember feeling so sad that I was in this room all alone and I didn’t know what would happen next.
In one of my darkest valleys, I recall being cared for by some amazing people.
I had the sweetest nurses, each with a slightly different style, but each who showed me love, kindness, and compassion. They were patient with me when I didn’t want to eat. They would sneak me ice cream late at night when that is all I wanted to eat. (This probably explains why still to this day I eat ice cream almost every day of the year). I remember my sister coming to care for me after getting out of school. That meant so much to me. I also received a large envelope of cards from my classmates at school: I cherished every one of them. I even remember random people sending me gifts. One Toxic Shock survivor sent me a remote control car and a beautiful card.
With the care of a great team and many, many prayers, I miraculously began to improve. My appetite returned, my kidney function improved and, slowly, my smile began to return.
I had become somewhat of a local celebrity! And I didn’t mind it at all. I was featured in the Cedar Rapids Gazette and local news stations. My parents and Dr. Nau were interviewed several times. When they asked me on TV what I remembered, my short answer was “Nothin,” as I grinned. Unbelievably, I was discharged from the hospital within a week.
I was so happy to be home to hang out with my siblings. My mom knew I was better when I started to bicker with my brothers. After recovery I decided that I wanted to become a doctor just like Dr. Nau. I wanted to help people feel better. I wanted to make other people smile. I wanted to comfort people during their darkest times.
I graduated high school with straight A’s, then completed 4 years of college to become a medical technologist. I loved my work in the lab, however 4 years later, I returned to school to follow my passion to serve others. I decided to pursue school as a physician assistant. Despite the long process of applying to PA school, and two vigorous years of PA school, I reached my goal of becoming a PA.
I have now been an ER and hospital medicine physician assistant for more than 17 years.
When I get worn down from my job, feel exhausted from the unending charting, or get frustrated from life, I remind myself why I became a PA.
It is that passion that keeps me going everyday. And it is my compass when I am overwhelming with the increasingly demanding job that only healthcare workers understand.
Yes, Toxic Shock changed my life. And I’m so glad that it did.
